I know why it’s so hard to forgive

carolina-heza-386850

photo source: Carolina Heza

It’s so hard to forgive because we think that once we forgive, we’re making ourselves vulnerable to getting hurt again.

We’re opening a door that normally remains locked. We’re exposing ourself to more disappointment.

When someone does something that hurts us, the pain that we feel mixed with the pride that arises in us as we think to ourselves that “we’d never do that to someone,” creates an especially inhospitable environment. Unmerciful.

We are unforgiving as we elevate ourself in order to denigrate someone else.

It feels good to tell ourselves that we’re way better than someone else, morally speaking.

To make this person pay for all of the times we’ve felt shame, guilt, and rejection.

We’re not in the hot seat this time. Nope. We’re free and this person gets to suffer just as much as we’ve suffered. This person gets to feel bad just as much as we’ve felt bad. All the venom that we’ve given ourselves throughout our life gets redirected to this new person because they’ve managed to abuse us in a way that we deem worse than how we constantly abuse ourself.

Or maybe its just a different way.

Either way, our self-blame and self-hatred have a new host to feed on.

But the joke of it all is that the new host never ends up feeling as bad as we hope. Because the person we’re really torturing, whether it’s self-hatred or external hatred, is always ourself. Even when we think we’re escaping our own abuse, once again we find the bruises on our own skin.

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8 thoughts on “I know why it’s so hard to forgive

  1. Brieana Clay says:

    Loved that last line! So true. I’m still working on making a shift from holding on to resentment and painting certain people in a bad light. It’s so much easier too, but it means I still haven’t truly gotten over it.

    • Sika says:

      Thanks Bri! And same here, girl. Its an ongoing journey but I find it very rewarding to be able to finally think of certain people without that impulsive cringe that usually accompanies the thought lol. Take it step by step. And try that book Mastery of Love! It’s amazing.

  2. SDC says:

    🙌Projection is so damaging. It’s self harming and then of course to those around you. It’s so important to take time to look at your own stuff so you aren’t just constantly pawning it off on someone! 😣

    • Sika says:

      you speak truths! Unfortunately we live in a world of people pawning off their “stuff” onto others constantly and causing so much unnecessary pain. Keeping that in mind, however, helps us to be more compassionate and not take others behavior so personally!

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