I now see that a lot of my neuroses has been rooted in insecurity and fear. Not feeling secure and feeling that the burden of my safety, my life happenings, my success, my joy, everything – weighed solely on my shoulders with no other help or guidance. And all of it was life or death.
Growing up, I’ve always felt like I had to change for the people in my life – myself included – to become more this or more that in order to fit in and just feel like I belonged somewhere. From family to friends, I rarely felt good enough as is.
I’m not sure if this is something that everyone experiences while growing up or if I subconsciously sought it out and manifested it into my life, but I was stuck in a loop of always trying to please everyone else. In the process of rearranging yourself to other people’s needs, it’s easy to lose sight of yourself.
As I sit in my room typing this, I’m overwhelmed by all of the clutter in my room that I’ve been trying to sort out over the past year. By “trying to” I mean I’ve made half-ass attempts to make a plan to clean up and organize – but I generally give up before even really trying. I leave it to the ever elusive tomorrow. Just thinking about it stresses me out.
I feel like life has been repeatedly giving me lessons in change and flexibility. Both recently and just throughout my life in general. For some reason life wants me to get comfortable with the idea that I don’t have ownership or control over everything despite my desire to.
“If I’m not the one for you, you gotta stop holding me the way you do.”
– Adele, Water under the bridge
Love is an amazing thing. It’s said to have the ability to change our brain chemistry. We get hooked on love like a drug addict and latch on to our lover for dear life. Like we need them more than food, water, and air. They become our source of happiness and meaning.
It took me a while to get here but I think I finally understand… some people just aren’t bangin’ with you. You’re just not chillin’ on the same wavelength and that’s okay.
You’re not meant to.
I’m doing this new thing when I’m feeling in a slump where I ask myself “what would I want my boyfriend or BFF to do for me?” then whatever the answer is – I do it for my damn self.
I’ve started becoming borderline obsessed with detoxing and cleansing. I’ve long been a fan of holistic health (thanks to my mom) but I have recently happened upon the idea that I can cure my pesky adult acne by making some dietary changes and lifestyle changes.
While altering my diet for one week straight and being THAT person at brunch who doesn’t drink the mimosas and asks the waiter if they have whole wheat bread, I started to think of the other beneficial kind of detox. Not the one that benefits our physical being, but the one that benefits our minds and mental well-being.
If I were to tell you that YOU were the most important person in the world, would you believe me? Of course not. But, why not?
Brightly Illuminated 